This is the first article in a three-part series exploring conflict in all relationships.

Most conflicts in relationships never disappear. According to Gottman’s research, nearly 70 percent of them return again and again. The question is therefore not how to avoid them, but how to understand what lies behind them.

Ethical non-monogamous relationships are often talked about as if they are fundamentally different from monogamous ones. More complicated. More dramatic. More fragile. Or more free.

But in reality, ethical non-monogamous relationships contain the same dynamics as any other relationship. The same needs. The same vulnerabilities. The same conflicts.

The difference is not what arises. The difference is how quickly you need to take care of it.

When I first began moving into this space, I heard an analogy that has stayed with me ever since.

A monogamous relationship can be compared to a car. An ethical non-monogamous relationship is like a jet plane. Both are forms of transportation. Neither is better, wiser, or more correct than the other. But if a small scratch appears on a car, it can often keep driving. It may need repair at some point. It may even wait for years. If damage occurs in a jet plane, the situation is different. The pressure is high. The load is intense. You need to respond immediately.

This is also true for ethical non-monogamous relationships. The conflicts and differences that exist in all relationships are amplified, and they cannot be ignored. You have to work with them.

I have created a small article series based on the scientific couples therapy method developed by John Gottman and Julie Gottman. It focuses on the core dynamics I encounter again and again in the couples I work with, regardless of whether they are monogamous or ethically non-monogamous.

Here is the first key insight, along with a concrete method for working with it.

The conflicts that do not disappear

Within couples therapy research, Gottman has shown something that often surprises people.

Around 69 percent of the conflicts we experience in relationships are ongoing or recurring. They do not disappear. They continue to show up. Not because we are bad at communicating, but because they are about something deeper. They are about different values, different temperaments, different needs for freedom or safety, and different assumptions about how the world works.

In both monogamous and ethical non-monogamous relationships, it is essential to work with this. At its core, it is about understanding each other, as well as each other’s background and motivations.

In ethical non-monogamous relationships, these differences often become visible more quickly. When you open a relationship, you also open up differences in jealousy thresholds, differences in the need for structure, boundaries and agreements, differences in sexual values, and differences in pace.

But how do you actually approach these differences?

This is rarely about finding the perfect compromise. More often, it is about understanding what lies beneath the disagreement.

And this is where one of Gottman’s methods becomes useful.

When conflict is about a dream

Gottman points out that ongoing conflicts often become stuck because there is a dream behind each position.

A dream can be a longing for freedom, a need for safety, a value around loyalty, a story from childhood, a fear of loss, a desire to explore oneself, a wish for calm, a longing for adventure, or a dream of love.

You can also think of it as your why. The deeper reason something matters so much.

When we only argue about the surface, we become opponents. When we begin to explore the dreams behind it, or each other’s why, we can become allies.

After a conflict, when things have calmed down, you can try the following exercise. Sit down together when you have time, and agree to take turns speaking.

One person speaks, not to convince, but to explain. Share what the conflict means to you, where your feelings come from, and what story or experience lies behind them. Try also to put words to what you are afraid of losing, and what you are truly hoping for.

The other person listens, not as a judge, but as a curious partner. The goal is not to solve the problem or argue against it, but to understand. Ask only questions that help you understand the other person’s experience, not questions that support your own position.

The goal is not to find a solution immediately. The goal is to move from stuckness into dialogue, from you versus me to us trying to understand each other.

When one person has finished, you switch roles.

Ethical Non-Monogamous relationships require the same work, just faster

In an ethical non-monogamous relationship, it quickly becomes clear if we do not understand each other’s underlying dreams.

If one person dreams of exploration and freedom, and the other dreams of safety and a sense of exclusivity, then the conflict is not really about rules or boundaries. It is about worldview.

That is why it is important early in an ethical non-monogamous relationship to talk about the values behind the choice. Why do we want this? What do we hope it will bring us? And what does it mean for the way we want to be together?

Everyone has a why, and that why matters.

When we understand each other’s motivations, it becomes easier to create agreements that actually support the kind of relationship we want. A clear why helps your partner or partners understand what is important to you, and how they can support it.

A strong why also serves another purpose. It clarifies your own motivation. When relationships become challenged, and they will at some point, it helps to know why you chose this path in the first place.

In this way, the conversation about the dreams behind conflicts also becomes a conversation about direction. About what you are actually trying to create together.

It is not about relationship structure, but about relational maturity

All relationships will at some point encounter ongoing conflicts, differences in values, dreams that do not fully align, fear, vulnerability, and old stories. The question is not whether it happens. The question is whether we are willing to be curious about it.

Because the most damaging dynamic in a relationship is not disagreement. It is being right while crushing the other person’s dream.

A strong relationship is not one where we win. It is one where we help each other understand what is truly at stake.

And perhaps this is the most important point.

Ethical non-monogamous relationships are not harder. They are simply less forgiving of unconscious patterns. They require us to take care of the small cracks before they become structural. Not because they are more fragile, but because they fly higher.

Opening a relationship is one of those conversations many couples dread and for good reason. It can feel deeply vulnerable. How do you even begin a talk like that without your partner feeling inadequate, rejected, or pressured?

The conversation takes courage, honesty, and respect, but it can also be an opportunity to grow closer together.

Here are three steps to help you approach the conversation in a calm and constructive way.

Before the conversation – check in with yourself

Before you bring up the topic, spend some time understanding why you want to talk about opening your relationship.

Ask yourself:

• Why do I want this?

• Is it mostly about sexual freedom, romantic love or perhaps curiosity and adventure?

• What do I hope an open relationship could bring to me as a person, and to us as a couple?

• What form of ethical non-monogamy do I imagine might fit us?

I meet many couples who open their relationship hoping it will solve problems they already have. Unfortunately, that rarely works. If your relationship feels difficult, it’s usually wise to first work on safety, trust, and communication. An open relationship should come from a sense of abundance, not from lack.

When you’ve found your own starting point, you can begin the conversation gently. Perhaps by referencing something outside yourselves, such as:

“I listened to a podcast about open relationships the other day, it made me wonder what you think about that kind of thing?”

This kind of opening makes it easier for your partner to meet the topic with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

During the conversation, be honest, clear, and respectful

When you start the conversation, be as clear and concrete as you can. Tell your partner:

• Why it feels important for you to talk about this.

• What your partner means to you and why you’re bringing this up for the sake of your relationship.

• What you hope an open relationship could bring into your lives.

It’s not about having a fixed plan, but about showing what lies behind your wish.
Share both your hopes and your fears, it builds trust when both sides are allowed space.

Once you’ve shared your perspective, give your partner time and room to respond.
Try to meet their reaction with calm and curiosity, even if it’s intense.

Remember: this conversation isn’t about convincing, it’s about creating understanding.

After the conversation, give space and keep the dialogue open

After you’ve talked, a range of reactions may come up.
Some people need time to think, feel, and digest. Others become curious right away.

Whatever your partner’s reaction, show patience and support. The conversation about opening your relationship is rarely a one-time event, it’s the beginning of an ongoing process where you’ll return to the topic again and again, exploring and feeling your way together.

Make sure you both have the emotional space and energy before you start acting on any decisions. It’s important to move at a pace where you both feel safe.

In the end

Talking about opening your relationship can be vulnerable, but it can also be an invitation to more honesty, deeper understanding, and stronger love.

Daring to say out loud what you long for is, in itself, a courageous act.
And no matter what you decide, the conversation can bring you closer to each other.

See more on opening up safely here.

Jealousy is often described as an unwanted and embarrassing emotion, something we should push away or “get over.” But in reality, jealousy is a signal. It’s trying to tell you something important about your needs, your fears, and your past experiences.

Jealousy is a complex feeling to understand and work with, and we can’t cover it all in one article. But here are a few small insights that can help you begin to understand your jealousy and start working with it.

What is Jealousy?

Jealousy can be defined as the fear of losing something that matters to you; love, safety, attention, or status.

Under the umbrella of jealousy, you’ll often find many emotions hiding: envy, anger, sadness, fear, shame, or the feeling of being left out.
Jealousy is rarely a single, pure emotion, it’s usually a mix of many.

Rational and irrational jealousy

There’s an important difference between rational and irrational jealousy.

Rational jealousy arises when you actually lose something that’s important to you.

Irrational jealousy, on the other hand, is the fear of losing something, often because past experiences are being projected onto the present.You see your partner or the situation through “the lens of the past.”

Recognizing this difference can help you understand what your jealousy is really about.

You are not a jealous person — you feel jealousy

Many people say, “I’m just a jealous person.”
But it’s important to separate identity from emotion.

You are not jealousy, you experience jealousy.
When you label yourself as “a jealous person,” the feeling becomes part of your identity, making it harder to work with.

Jealousy isn’t your enemy. It’s trying to show you something, perhaps an unmet need for safety, reassurance, or control.

When jealousy hits

When jealousy hits, it can feel overwhelming, almost like it takes over your whole system. It can pull you away from logic, making it difficult to talk about, work through, or even understand what it’s trying to tell you.

That’s why it helps to give yourself emotional first aid, to calm your nervous system before you try to analyze the feeling.

Try, for example:

• Move your body. Physical activity helps your body process the emotion and return to balance.

• Breathe. Slow, deep breathing helps calm your nervous system so you can think clearly again.

• Call a friend. Being mirrored by someone you trust helps de-escalate the feeling and regain perspective.

Find out what works for you, experiment with different ways to soothe your system.

Jealousy as a path to self-understanding

Jealousy can be an invitation to self-discovery. It reveals where your boundaries lie, what you long for and where you might still carry old wounds.

When you dare to meet your jealousy with curiosity instead of shame, it can become a path toward deeper connection, both with yourself and with those you love.

Learn more about navigating jealousy in Openwise — both for those who experience jealousy, and for those who are on the receiving end of it. See more here.

There are many ways to practice ethical non-monogamy – single people who see it as a life philosophy, constellations of several people building connections together, and everything in between. But the couple standing on the threshold of opening up is the one I most often meet in therapy.

Many couples find it difficult to take the first steps into the open world.

• What are those steps, really?

• What questions should we ask ourselves?

• What do I need – and how much am I comfortable with?

• Can I say stop if something becomes too much?

I often meet couples who have the intention to have the important conversations before opening their relationship – but they often find it difficult to know what conversations are the important ones. Many take their first steps without having explored what opening up actually means to them. That can lead to difficult beginnings, where the deeper conversations only happen after pain or confusion has already arisen – which can make the process more complex.

That’s why having those early conversations is so essential.

Here are three key conversations that can be especially helpful to have before you open your relationship:

1. What kind of relationship do we want?

There are many different ways to build relationships outside of monogamy.
It can be helpful to spend some time exploring what types exist, and what feels right for you.

Remember: your relationship doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. You can shape it in the way that makes sense for both of you. Don’t just choose a “model” – create your own way of being together. Sometimes finding the model that fits you takes time, and some try outs. So be curious and try out different ways - but remember to go slow.

You can read more about different relationship types here.

2. Why are we doing this?

Why do I – or we – want to open our relationship?
When you know your why, it becomes easier to navigate when things feel uncertain. Returning to your intention can bring clarity and calm when challenges arise.

Examples of whys we’ve heard in conversations include:

• “Because it gives me a sense of freedom.”

• “Because I love connecting with new people.”

• “Because I want to challenge myself.”

Your reason is yours. There’s no right or wrong why – only what’s right for you.
You might even discover that you each have a personal why, and perhaps a shared one as well.

3. Needs and boundaries

Talk openly about what each of you needs – and where your boundaries are.
This is a crucial conversation to have early on, but it’s just as important to revisit over time. Both needs and boundaries can change.

If you find it difficult to navigate, it can help to distinguish between needs that can be negotiated and needs that can’t.
That makes it easier to see where you’re open to compromise – and where you’re not.
It can also make finding common ground much simpler.

We have some concrete excercises for you to work with your needs and boundaries:

• ‘Strategies for fulfillment of needs’ here.

• ‘Setting your own boundaries’ here.

• ‘Understanding your needs’ here.

Take it slow

When you step into new territory, it’s wise to move slowly.
Experiment gently. Try things out. And don’t be afraid to step back again if something doesn’t feel right.

It’s not about getting everything perfect – it’s about learning as you go.

You can’t talk everything through

Even with the best intentions, it’s impossible to discuss everything in advance.
There will always be gray areas. You’ll move into unknown ground, and there will be moments of discomfort, mistakes, and strong emotions.
That’s part of the process.

Opening your relationship takes courage to stand in the uncomfortable – but it’s also where growth, intimacy, and deeper connection can emerge.

See more about ‘opening up safely’ here.

When you begin to explore open relationships, polyamory, or other forms of love outside of monogamy, you will quickly come across the term Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM). But what does it actually mean?

ENM is an umbrella term for many different ways of having romantic and sexual relationships, where you consciously and honestly choose not to be exclusive with one person, while still acting with respect, openness, and consent.

The ethical part lies in the fact that everyone involved knows what is happening and has agreed to the form of relationship. This is what separates it from something unethical such as infidelity, where honesty and consent are missing.

From sexual freedom to multiple loves

Ethical non-monogamy includes a wide spectrum. Some relationships are primarily about sexual freedom, while others involve deep romantic connections with more than one person at the same time.

At one end, you find forms such as monogamish and swinging, where the focus is often on sexuality and shared experiences. At the other end, you find polyamory and relationship anarchy, which are more focused on love, relationships, and autonomy. In between, there are many variations, combinations, and personal interpretations.

Here are some of the most well known forms:

Monogamish. Almost monogamous relationships

A monogamish relationship is mainly monogamous, but with some flexibility. This could be a couple who agree that flirting with others is okay, or that occasionally inviting a third person into the relationship is possible. All of this happens through shared agreements and mutual respect.

Swinging and friends with benefits

Swinging is often about exploring sexuality together as a couple. The focus is usually more on desire, experiences, and play, rather than emotional connection.

Friends with benefits is often a friendship where you also share sex, but without the expectation of a romantic relationship. For some, this more flexible form can be part of an open relationship, or simply a way to explore without commitment.

Polyamory: Multiple loves

Polyamory means multiple loves and describes relationships where you have the possibility to love and have romantic connections with more than one person at the same time, with everyone’s knowledge and consent.

Some people practicing polyamory choose hierarchical structures, where one partner has a specific role such as a primary or anchor partner. Others prefer non-hierarchical or solo polyamorous approaches, where relationships are not ranked in the same way.

Relationship anarchy: Love without hierarchy

Relationship anarchy is based on the idea of freedom and self determination in relationships. There are no fixed rules for how a relationship should look, and no relationship is automatically more important than another.

Many people who practice relationship anarchy view all their relationships, romantic, platonic, and familial, as equally important. It is about creating relationships on your own terms, rather than following the norms that usually shape love and partnership.

Ethical Non-Monogamy as a landscape, not a formula

The most important thing to remember is that there is no one right way to practice ethical non monogamy. The terms and categories we use can be helpful as inspiration, but they are not meant to become rules.

Each relationship can be shaped by the people involved in it. That is why it can be helpful to think of Ethical Non-Monogamy as a map with many possible paths, rather than a manual.

As Franklin Veaux, author of More Than Two, describes in his updated version of The Map of Non Monogamy, there are countless ways to practice love and Ethical Non-Monogamy, and most people exist somewhere in between the well known categories.

To sum up

Ethical Non-Monogamy is not about having more. It is about choosing honesty over secrecy, freedom over expectation, and presence over norms.

It can take many different forms, and that is exactly why curiosity, communication, and consent are the most important tools, no matter what your relationship looks like.

This exercise is designed to help you and your partner explore your personal boundaries around physical and emotional intimacy. It builds well on the needs exercise because needs and boundaries are not necessarily the same. It can be beneficial to discuss your boundaries and address any concerns that might have come up in the needs discussion.

Understand…

Read more

This exercise helps you to identify and communicate your needs effectively. It encourages you to break down your needs and negotiate them together to find common ground to explore from.

Understanding your Needs

Step 1: Reflect on your own needs

• Individually, draw two circles, one in the center of the other—a smaller one in the middle and a bigger one aroun…

Read more

In relationships, we often develop patterns of communication-both in daily interactions and during conflicts. These patterns can cause us to unconsciously fall into roles within what is known as the Drama Triangle-a dynamic that rarely benefits our relationships. This applies to our romantic relationships, friendships, and family connections.

The Drama Triangle was developed by Dr. Stephen Karpman in the 1960s as a social model for human interaction. It consists of three roles, each of which avoids responsibility for personal needs and boundaries in different ways. While these roles may feel familiar and even safe, they often reinforce unhealthy dynamics. Furthermore, when one person attempts to break free from the triangle, the other person may unconsciously resist the change, pulling them back into the pattern.

The Drama Triangle

Note: The Drama Triangle and Empowerment Triangle are fascinating and complex when explored in depth. Here, they are presented in a simplified way for easier understanding and practical use.

Victim: Feels helpless, powerless, or blames others for their struggles. They often believe they can never catch a break and feel safest when they don’t have to take responsibility for themselves.

Rescuer: Overcompensates by trying to “fix” or save others, often ignoring their own needs-a behavior sometimes called the savior complex. They take on others’ problems as their own, which allows them to avoid looking at their own life-sometimes a chaotic or painful one. The Rescuer’s underlying emotion is often loneliness, which is alleviated when others need them. Being needed makes them feel important. However, Rescuers tend to focus on relieving immediate pain in the Victim rather than addressing core issues.

Persecutor: Criticizes, blames, or acts defensively, often using control or anger to mask vulnerability. They can be self-righteous and believe they must win at any cost. Their mindset is often: They are wrong, I am right, so they need to do what I say. Persecutors blame the Victim and criticize the Rescuer’s behavior without offering appropriate guidance, assistance, or solutions.

In a single conversation, it’s possible to jump between these roles, even within the same sentence. To truly understand this dynamic, it’s important not only to recognize it but also to work toward breaking free from it.

You can break away from the Drama Triangle by adopting the Empowerment Triangle. This approach emphasizes taking responsibility for your needs and boundaries while fostering healthier interactions.

Creator (Countering the Victim): Focuses on what they can do to improve their own situation, taking ownership of their actions. Creators see life through a lens of possibility and take charge of their own growth. While the Victim tends to dwell on past deficiencies, the Creator looks forward, taking an optimistic approach. They believe they are sufficient, whole, and capable of choosing their responses to life.

Coach (Countering the Rescuer): Offers support and guidance without taking over or fixing others’ problems. A Coach supports the Creator for the Creator’s own good—not for validation, as the Rescuer might. Coaches set healthy boundaries and lead by example. One key difference between a Rescuer and a Coach is listening instead of telling. A Coach helps create a space where the Creator can find insights, trusting that solutions will emerge when the Creator is ready. Rather than trying to fix the Victim, the Coach waits, listens, and trusts the process.

Challenger (Countering the Persecutor): Encourages growth by addressing issues directly and kindly. Challengers care about the Creator’s development, but unlike Coaches, they are more direct. They are committed to their values and see themselves as truth-tellers, sometimes saying what is unpopular. However, unlike Persecutors, Challengers focus on the issue, not the person. Their approach fosters learning and growth in a way that feels safe and constructive.

Working with the Empowerment Triangle means empowering yourself, standing by your needs and boundaries, and encouraging the same in others.

Step 1: Understand

The Drama Triangle & The Empowerment Triangle

Spend some time discussing the Drama Triangle and the Empowerment Triangle. Make sure you understand their dynamics.

Step 2: Experience the triangles in practice

Before applying these concepts to personal experiences, start with a guided role-play. This exercise will help you observe how the roles in both triangles interact and influence the dynamics of a conversation.

• Role-Play Exercise:

  • Act out the roles of Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor using the provided scene below.

  • Then, continue the exercise using the Empowerment Triangle roles (Challenger, Creator, and Coach).

• Reflect:

  • How did it feel to embody these roles?

  • What changed when shifting from the Drama Triangle to the Empowerment Triangle?

Even if role-playing feels silly at first, it provides invaluable insights into how these dynamics shape communication. Stay curious and open to exploring the roles.

Step 3: Personal reflection - Recognize your roles

Think back to a recent conflict-it doesn’t have to be a major one, just something you feel ready to analyze without becoming too emotionally involved.

• Analyze the conflict individually:

  • Identify when you took on each of the Drama Triangle roles. Ask yourself:

    • What did I say? And what did I leave unsaid? (Consider the underlying tone, thoughts, expectations, emotions, etc.)

    • What purpose did this role serve in the moment?

    • How did it feel to take on this role?

    • How did it affect my interaction with the other person?

• Share with your partner:

  • Discuss your reflections, focusing on one interaction at a time.

  • Visualize the conflict on a piece of paper from beginning to end. Mark the points where shifts in roles occurred and identify which role you took. You are free to structure this in a way that makes the most sense to you—using keywords, diagrams, or even different colored pens to distinguish between roles.

    • For example:

      • One person might say: “I started saying …, and that was a Victim role sentence. I said this because I wanted to …, and it made me feel ….”. Note this on the paper with as many keywords as possible.

      • The partner then responds: “Then I said …, which must have been a Rescuer response. I said this because I wanted to …, and it made me feel ….”. Again, note this on the paper in as much detail as possible.

      • Continue breaking down the conversation step by step.

  • Stay in analysis mode-avoid getting pulled back into the emotions of the original conflict.

• Recognizing your own patterns

  • This process can be challenging. We often find it easier to identify the roles our partner took rather than our own. However, that’s not the task here. Allow your partner to name their own roles before reflecting on them together - assigning roles to them prematurely takes away their opportunity for growth and self-awareness.

  • Accepting that we sometimes act in unconstructive ways can be difficult. That’s why it’s helpful to start with a smaller conflict. Practice acknowledging your flaws and seeing them as opportunities to grow, learn about yourself, and improve your communication and relationships. This not only strengthens your relationships but also builds self-respect.

• Shift the Narrative:

  • Now, look at your visualization of the conflict together. Discuss how the Empowerment Triangle could have changed your interactions.

  • Use a different color pen to note down the counter-role for each Drama Triangle role you took on.

  • Discuss:

    • How could the Empowerment Triangle roles have changed the outcome?

    • How might you express your opinions and needs differently using these empowering roles?

    • Which empowering role would you like to practice in future conversations?

Step 4: Keep the nerdiness

• Keep practicing:

  • Becoming aware of when the Drama Triangle plays out in relationships can be eye-opening. Observe your interactions, listen to conversations around you, and try to recognize when these roles are active. Notice how they influence relationships and consider how shifting to the Empowerment Triangle could create healthier dynamics.

• Keep exploring:

  • Continue practicing different interactions with your partner to learn more about your communication patterns and relational habits.

Scene: The Drama Triangle

A (Victim):
“I saw how you were laughing with that coworker on your stories. You probably like them more than me. I guess I’m just not enough for you!”

B (Rescuer):
“No, no, no! That’s not true. I’ll stop talking to them if it makes you feel better. Please don’t feel this way.”

A (Victim):
“Well, maybe you should stop. It’s obvious I’m just here to fill space when you’re not at work.”

B (Persecutor):
“This is ridiculous! Why do you always assume the worst? You’re so insecure, it’s exhausting!”

A (Victim):
“See? You don’t care about my feelings at all. I should’ve known I couldn’t trust you.”

Transition to the Empowerment Triangle

B (Coach):
“Okay, let’s pause for a moment. I hear that you’re feeling insecure about my coworker. Can we talk about what’s really bothering you?”

A (Creator):
“I think it’s that I feel like you’re more excited to talk to them than to me. It makes me wonder if I’m enough for you.”

B (Challenger):
“Thank you for sharing that. I want us to address this together, but I also need you to trust me. Can you try to ask for reassurance without assuming the worst?”

A (Creator):
“I can do that. I just need to know that I’m important to you. Maybe I jumped to conclusions because I wasn’t feeling confident.”

B (Challenger):
“I understand, and I’ll try to be more mindful about making you feel valued. Can we also work on building more trust between us, so this doesn’t keep happening?”

A (Creator):
“Yeah, I think that would help. Thanks for not getting too upset with me.”

Any questions? Feel free to make a comment to discuss this further :)

❣️

© Openwise 2024

This exercise is designed to help you practice active listening skills and build curiosity without becoming defensive. It is particularly useful in potentially sensitive conversations about relationship changes.

Active listening can be challenging - especially around topics where there is conflict or disagreement. If you are new to active listening, try this exercise with a topic that’s less charged to get a feel for the approach. Once learned, active listening can be a powerful tool in your relationships.

Active Listening

Step 1: Prepare roles as speaker and listener

As speaker:

• Use “I” statements:

  • Express your feelings and needs clearly by using “I” statements, like “I feel…,” “I need…,” or “I wish….” For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try saying, “I feel unheard when I don’t get a chance to share my thoughts.”

• Share honestly and vulnerably:

  • Be open about your true feelings, needs, and boundaries. This allows the listener to understand what’s most important to you at this moment. Sharing authentically - even when it feels vulnerable - helps build trust and understanding over time.

• Avoid blame or criticism:

  • Instead of focusing on what someone else did “wrong,” keep the focus on how you feel. This reduces defensiveness and creates a safe space for deeper listening.

As listener:

• Shift focus to your partner

  • Set aside your own thoughts and agenda.

  • Focus on being interested, not interesting.

  • Try to see things from your partner’s perspective.

  • Allow space for their feelings, even if you don’t agree.

• Be present and open

  • Your role is to understand, not to fix or change anything.

  • Try to:

    • Ask open-ended questions (those that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no) and really listen to the answers.

    • Follow up with questions to show interest, and avoid judgments or advice.

    • Communicate respect, understanding, and empathy.

  • Try not to:

    • Be critical, judgmental, defensive, or superior.

• Witness and reflect back

  • Help your partner feel seen and understood by summarizing their words. Always check in to ensure you’ve summarized correctly.

  • Reflect their feelings back in your own words, validating what they’re experiencing.

    • Example: “I hear that you’re saying... and I understand why you feel that way because...”

Avoid suggesting solutions or giving advice - just listen and acknowledge.

Step 2: Take turns as listener and speaker

• Make your partner feel heard

  • Make sure you take your time with each person. Don’t stop with one person until they feel truly heard and understood. Note that being heard and understood is not the same as agreeing. It’s okay to disagree about what your partner expresses; you can still listen and understand their perspective.

• Use a timer

  • Some people also find it helpful to use a timer - you could try, for instance, to set a timer at 5 or 10 minutes for each person’s turn in being the speaker.

Any questions? Feel free to make a comment to discuss this further :)

❣️

© Openwise 2024

During The Talk

Before getting into it, anchor the conversation emotionally by explicitly stating that the talk itself is an act of care: the partner and the relationship matter, which is why this is being raised. Then proceed with clarity: your motivations, desired structure, and honest needs. You can then end the initital talk with your fears and uncertainties. Once you've spoken, stop. The partner's reaction is unpredictable and requires genuine space - not managed space. The ongoing conversation should allow both parties to voice their internal experience without one dominating.

After the Talk

Give your partner time and space to process. This could take time, so make sure you keep an ongoing conversation while having space for their feelings.

On Telling Others

Before disclosing your relationship structure to others, align with your partner on what to share, with whom, and how much. When you do so, be open to questions without volunteering detail beyond what's asked, and expect varied reactions: they will range from curiosity to awkwardness to defensiveness - none of these are failures, and all require the same non-reactive readiness.

We hope you find this helpful - let us know in the comments if you did! :)

Jealousy doesn’t just affect the individual experiencing it - it often impacts the entire relationship(s) when it occurs. While an individual might have their A, B, and C plan for self-soothing, it’s equally important to have strategies for handling these moments together. When emotions run high, it is rarely the right time for deep relationship talks, as they often escalate into challenging discussions. The task is to find ways to navigate the jealous emotions in the moment.

So how do you have the talks that are needed when jealousy is present, so you can together address the emotions and return to a more logical state? Remember that deep relationship conversations are better saved for a time when emotions have settled. When jealousy arises, the focus is often on being present with the feelings without blaming others, allowing the emotions to move through you, and taking care of yourself and each other.

Coping with Jealousy Together

How do you navigate conversations that arise when jealousy hits, so you say what needs to be said without going into a deep relationship talk? How can you have a constructive conversation that cares for both partners and helps the one feeling jealousy to regain a logical perspective?

This exercise is designed to help partners navigate these conversations. It’s difficult to create a concrete step-by-step guide since every situation is different, but this exercise offers helpful strategies to get started. Some of these are ‘just’ knowledge-based, as they can serve as important reminders when you’re caught up in difficult emotions. Many of these principles are rooted in basic communication and conflict-resolution skills. Check them out in our Relationship Toolkit.

It’s a good idea to read through this with your partner before you find yourselves in a situation with strong jealous feelings. Being prepared can make all the difference - helping you understand what to do, having meaningful conversations in advance, and even developing strategies that work for both of you.

Step 1: The 100 beats per minute rule

• One critical element to remember is

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Jealousy can feel overwhelming and all-consuming, but it exists for a reason. In the video Dealing with Jealousy, you explored how to anticipate and prevent jealousy or address it before emotions take over. However, there will be times when jealousy feels too powerful to control. During those moments, it’s essential to have a plan.

Jealous feelings are a natural part of being human; it’s the jealous actions that often cause challenges. When jealousy strikes, it can create a sense of lost control, leading to trying to regain that. Keep in mind that jealousy often points to underlying needs that aren’t being met. Once you can regain your logical perspective, reflect on what your jealousy reveals about those unmet needs. (For a deeper dive into this process, refer back to exercises from Learning from Jealousy.) Remember, understanding and managing jealousy is a long process.

For those who frequently experience jealousy, eliminating it entirely might not be realistic. Instead, focus on understanding its roots and reducing its intensity. These exercises will help you build strategies to manage jealousy more effectively, leading to more sustainable actions and acceptance of the emotion. Learning to coexist with and learn from jealousy-not erasing it-is key.

These exercises build on earlier work, such as What Emotions Are Part of My Jealousy?, and align with the ideas from Building a Supportive Frame.

The Aftermath of Jealousy

Working through jealousy involves multiple layers: understanding it, addressing what it is teaching us, and managing jealousy in the moment. The complexity increases when considering the aspect of shame. It’s crucial to recognize that feeling jealous can be inherently shameful, particularly in ethical non-monogamous relationships, where the understanding often is, that when you are ethical non-monogamous, you do not feel jealousy. Recognize that it’s okay to experience jealousy; it’s a human emotion. After experiencing jealousy, reflect on what follow-up actions you may need to take. You might need to ask for forgiveness from others affected by your jealous actions or practice self-forgiveness.

Self-compassion is vital in preventing jealousy from leading to self-criticism and in removing shame around the feeling. Here’s a structured exercise to encourage compassionate responses:

Step 1: Write a compassionate letter to yourself

• Compose a letter to yourself where you reflect on your jealous situation looking at it with compassion, understanding and forgiveness. ‘I understand why you did that’, ‘it makes sense you are afraid of this..’, ‘ you were good at…’ could be phrases you use. If this is too hard, you can write the letter to a close friend going through a jealousy episode. Write it in a comforting tone. Include affirmations such as “It’s okay to feel this way” or “You are enough just as you are.”

Step 2: Examine your jealous actions

• Reflect on your actions during your jealousy. Identify if anyone was affected by those actions. Think about whether there is

Read more

Jealousy can feel overwhelming and all-consuming, but it exists for a reason. In the video Dealing with Jealousy, you explored how to anticipate and prevent jealousy or address it before emotions take over. However, there will be times when jealousy feels too powerful to control. During those moments, it’s essential to have a plan.

Jealous feelings are a natural part of being human; it’s the jealous actions that often cause challenges. When jealousy strikes, it can create a sense of lost control, leading to trying to regain that. Keep in mind that jealousy often points to underlying needs that aren’t being met. Once you can regain your logical perspective, reflect on what your jealousy reveals about those unmet needs. (For a deeper dive into this process, refer back to exercises from Understanding Jealousy.) Remember, understanding and managing jealousy is a long process.

For those who frequently experience jealousy, eliminating it entirely might not be realistic. Instead, focus on understanding its roots and reducing its intensity. These exercises will help you build strategies to manage jealousy more effectively, leading to more sustainable actions and acceptance of the emotion. Learning to coexist with and learn from jealousy-not erasing it-is key.

These exercises build on earlier work, such as What Emotions Are Part of My Jealousy?, and align with the ideas from Building a Supportive Framework.

Emergency coping plan - Plan A, B and C

When you’re not feeling jealous, create a plan for when jealousy occurs. This plan can include many different strategies, such as engaging in physical activity, doing something you love, reaching out to someone you care about, journaling about your jealousy, or practicing breathing exercises. Identify what helps you calm down and feel centered.

Step 1: Make the plans beforehand

• Have your plans ready. You need to have them planned and preferably in detail, so you do not have to consider anything when you are caught up in jealousy. There are no questions to be asked; you know exactly what to do. The more detailed your plans are, the easier it will become to start doing them.

  • Plan A: This is your go-to strategy that you know will effectively bring you down from jealousy. Though this plan may be challenging to implement when you’re in the heat of the moment.

  • Plan B: This strategy is easier to do and may not be as effective as Plan A, but it helps you process your feelings physically, aiding in a return to logic.

  • Plan C: This plan should require minimal effort to execute and might not be as effective as either Plan A or B, serving as a quick way to start the self-soothing.

Example of Plans:

• Physical Focus:

  • A: Engage in a heavy workout.

  • B: Take a fast walk.

  • C: Practice breathing techniques (e.g., inhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, and hold for four seconds). Additional calming techniques include tensing and relaxing muscle groups, starting from the feet and moving up through the body to your face.

• Connection Focus:

Read more

Jealousy can feel overwhelming and all-consuming, but it exists for a reason. In the video How to Learn from Jealousy, you explored how to anticipate and prevent jealousy or address it before emotions take over. However, there will be times when jealousy feels too powerful to control. During those moments, it’s essential to have a plan.

Jealous feelings are a natural part of being human; it’s the jealous actions that often cause challenges. When jealousy strikes, it can create a sense of lost control, leading to trying to regain that. Keep in mind that jealousy often points to underlying needs that aren’t being met. Once you can regain your logical perspective, reflect on what your jealousy reveals about those unmet needs. (For a deeper dive into this process, refer back to exercises from How to Learn from Jealousy.) Remember, understanding and managing jealousy is a long process.

For those who frequently experience jealousy, eliminating it entirely might not be realistic. Instead, focus on understanding its roots and reducing its intensity. These exercises will help you build strategies to manage jealousy more effectively, leading to more sustainable actions and acceptance of the emotion. Learning to coexist with and learn from jealousy - not erasing it, is key.

These exercises build on earlier work, such as What Emotions Are Part of My Jealousy?, and align with the ideas from Building a Supportive Framework.

Exercise 1: Accepting your jealousy

For many people, jealousy can feel shameful, and the instinct may be to ignore it. However, shame thrives in secrecy. Bringing jealousy into the open can significantly lessen its power. The first step when you start to feel overwhelmed by jealousy is to acknowledge it. Accept that you are feeling jealous.

Step 1: Accept jealousy

• Accepting jealousy might be the last thing you want to do, as it often resists discovery. You may find yourself making excuses for why you’re feeling this way. Be aware that exploring your emotions can help identify jealousy. Look for the emotions under your jealousy umbrella; if you notice that

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Being in a relationship with a partner who experiences a lot of jealousy can be emotionally draining and difficult to navigate. Your task is twofold: to listen with empathy and support your partner as much as possible, while also taking care of yourself to ensure you have the energy to be there for them.
These exercises are designed to help you support your partner effectively while maintaining your own emotional well-being.

Support vs. Saving

The first major concept is understanding the difference between supporting your partner and saving them. When our partner is hurting, our instinct is often to stop their pain as quickly as possible-sometimes by removing the source of their distress. For example, we might cancel our own plans or change our behavior to ease their discomfort.

While this might bring short-term relief, it can prevent your partner from experiencing growth. By shielding them from their feelings, they don’t have the opportunity to process difficult emotions and develop the tools to handle similar challenges in the future. This keeps them stuck, unable to move forward or grow stronger.

Instead, focus on supporting your partner through their pain rather than saving them from it. Allow them to sit with their emotions while being there for them in a compassionate way. And ask yourself honestly: Are you trying to save them for their sake-or because you find it hard to sit with their discomfort?

Help your partner feel heard and understood
Jealousy stems from the fear of losing something that is important to you. When your partner feels jealous, fear and insecurity are frequently at the root. Helping them explore and address this fear can be incredibly reassuring.

Step 1: Practice active listening

• Use a tool like the Relationship Toolkit: Active Listening.

• Listen without judgment, reflect back on what your partner is saying, and show that you understand their emotions. The goal is not necessarily to agree with your partner but to

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Being in a relationship with a partner who experiences a lot of jealousy can be emotionally draining and difficult to navigate. Your task is twofold: to listen with empathy and support your partner as much as possible, while also taking care of yourself to ensure you have the energy to be there for them.
These exercises are designed to help you support your partner effectively while maintaining your own emotional well-being.

Take care of yourself - set your own boundaries

Supporting a jealous partner can be emotionally draining. To sustain this support, you must prioritize your own well-being by setting boundaries and building your own energy.

Step 1: Recognize your boundaries

• Use a Self-Reflection Worksheet to create three lists:

  • Green Line: Things you’re fully comfortable with. ex. “I can offer verbal reassurance when my partner feels insecure.”

  • Yellow Line: Areas of uncertainty or potential discomfort. ex. “I can actively listen for 15 minutes, but I need a break afterward.”

  • Red Line: Non-negotiable boundaries. ex. “I need us to discuss feelings calmly, without accusations or shouting.”

Step 2: Plan your responses

• Prepare statements for when your boundaries are tested. For instance:
  If your partner becomes accusatory, you might say,

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Working on jealousy involves creating a shared language that allows you to support yourself and each other. This means understanding your own jealousy and exploring the emotions behind it, as well as gaining insight into your partner’s. Together, you’ll need to develop and experiment with strategies to address and prevent jealousy when it arises. Additionally, embracing the opposite of jealousy (compersion) can help you to prevent jealousy.

We have three exercises you can try with your partner(s) - this is the third one:

Practicing Compersion

The more you practice compersion - the joy of celebrating someone else’s happiness - the more naturally it will arise in your relationships. Like any skill, compersion improves with practicing it. We become good at what we practice. When we repeatedly focus on certain emotions or behaviors, we strengthen our ability to experience and embody them. If you regularly dwell on difficult emotions like jealousy, you may inadvertently become more adept at staying in those feelings. However, by actively practicing compersion, even if it feels challenging at first, you train yourself to shift toward positive and empathetic responses over time.

Research shows that compersion is situational and influenced by factors like your state of mind and the people involved. Think of compersion as existing on a scale: How much compersion do I feel in this situation? With practice, you’ll find it easier to move up that scale, fostering greater joy and connection in your relationships.

Step 1: Sharing Experiences with Empathy

• Divide into speaker and listener roles.

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