Active Listening

Relationship Toolkit - Partner Exercise

This exercise is designed to help you practice active listening skills and build curiosity without becoming defensive. It is particularly useful in potentially sensitive conversations about relationship changes.

Active listening can be challenging - especially around topics where there is conflict or disagreement. If you are new to active listening, try this exercise with a topic that’s less charged to get a feel for the approach. Once learned, active listening can be a powerful tool in your relationships.

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Active Listening

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Step 1: Prepare roles as speaker and listener

As speaker:

• Use “I” statements:

  • Express your feelings and needs clearly by using “I” statements, like “I feel…,” “I need…,” or “I wish….” For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try saying, “I feel unheard when I don’t get a chance to share my thoughts.”

• Share honestly and vulnerably:

  • Be open about your true feelings, needs, and boundaries. This allows the listener to understand what’s most important to you at this moment. Sharing authentically - even when it feels vulnerable - helps build trust and understanding over time.

• Avoid blame or criticism:

  • Instead of focusing on what someone else did “wrong,” keep the focus on how you feel. This reduces defensiveness and creates a safe space for deeper listening.

As listener:

• Shift focus to your partner

  • Set aside your own thoughts and agenda.

  • Focus on being interested, not interesting.

  • Try to see things from your partner’s perspective.

  • Allow space for their feelings, even if you don’t agree.

• Be present and open

  • Your role is to understand, not to fix or change anything.

  • Try to:

    • Ask open-ended questions (those that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no) and really listen to the answers.

    • Follow up with questions to show interest, and avoid judgments or advice.

    • Communicate respect, understanding, and empathy.

  • Try not to:

    • Be critical, judgmental, defensive, or superior.

• Witness and reflect back

  • Help your partner feel seen and understood by summarizing their words. Always check in to ensure you’ve summarized correctly.

  • Reflect their feelings back in your own words, validating what they’re experiencing.

    • Example: “I hear that you’re saying... and I understand why you feel that way because...”

Avoid suggesting solutions or giving advice - just listen and acknowledge.

Step 2: Take turns as listener and speaker

• Make your partner feel heard

  • Make sure you take your time with each person. Don’t stop with one person until they feel truly heard and understood. Note that being heard and understood is not the same as agreeing. It’s okay to disagree about what your partner expresses; you can still listen and understand their perspective.

• Use a timer

  • Some people also find it helpful to use a timer - you could try, for instance, to set a timer at 5 or 10 minutes for each person’s turn in being the speaker.

This is a general active listening practice that can be used in various contexts. Active listening is a skill you can develop, and it will be useful for many aspects of your relationships.

Any questions? Feel free to make a comment to discuss this further :)

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