Conflicts in relationships - How to get better at arguing.
Learn how to turn arguments into opportunities for deeper connection and understanding.
In the first two articles, we worked on understanding conflict. First, we explored how conflicts in ethical non-monogamous relationships are not different from those in monogamous ones. They simply require attention more quickly. Then we looked at how many conflicts are actually about deeper dreams, values, and ways of seeing life.
Now we take the next step. How do you actually show up in a conflict in a way that does not break the connection, but instead strengthens the relationship?
One of the most important realizations in relationship work is this. Conflict is not the problem. The way we handle it is. Research from John Gottman shows that even the most well functioning couples argue. The difference is not whether they have conflicts, but how they have them.
Conflicts are not dangerous. They are necessary
Many of us have grown up with the idea that conflict is something to avoid. That a good relationship is one where you do not argue.
In reality, conflict is a natural part of being close to another person. It arises because we are different. Because we want things. Because something matters to us.
And for that exact reason, conflict can also be a doorway into something deeper. When we learn to navigate it, it stops being something that pulls us apart and instead becomes something that can create understanding, respect, and connection.
As Gottman says, it is not about avoiding conflict. It is about learning how to argue well.
The biggest mistake: Arguing to be right
One of the most important shifts you can make in your relationship is this. Moving from arguing to be right, to arguing to understand.
When we enter a conflict with a need to win, the other person automatically becomes the opponent. And then someone will always lose. Put simply, when one person wins, the relationship loses.
In strong relationships, something else happens. The conflict becomes a shared project. Something you explore together. This does not mean you agree. But it does mean you are on the same team.
How to enter a conflict in a good way
There are some very basic principles from Gottman that appear in almost all work with conflict. They are simple, but not necessarily easy.
Start gently instead of harshly
How a conflict begins has a huge impact on how it ends. If you begin with criticism, attack, or frustration, your partner will almost automatically become defensive.
If you begin gently, the whole dynamic changes. It can be as simple as saying, “I need to share something with you” or “I felt a bit hurt earlier. Can I tell you why?”
It may sound simple, but this is often where the real difference lies.
Speak from yourself, not about the other person
When we feel under pressure, we often say things like “You always do this” or “You are just like that.” This usually creates distance.
Instead, take ownership of your own experience. “I felt hurt when…” or “I notice that I need…” It may seem like a small shift, but it is the difference between an attack and an invitation.
An important detail here is also how we use language. When we speak in absolutes like always and never, something automatic often happens in the other person. Instead of listening, they start looking for exceptions. If you say, “You never do the dishes,” the other person will likely think, “That is not true, I did it last week.” And in that moment, they stop listening to what you are actually trying to say.
That is why it is much more helpful to be concrete and specific. “You have not done the dishes for the past three days, and I can feel that it affects me.”
In this way, it becomes less about being right and more about understanding each other.
Listen to understand, not to respond
Most of us do not listen to understand. We listen in order to respond. We are already preparing our next sentence while the other person is speaking.
But if the conflict is going to move, something else is needed. It requires curiosity. A willingness to understand what is actually at stake for the other person. What story they are in. What they are trying to protect.
This also connects directly to what you worked with in article 1, the dreams behind the conflict.
Use small repairs along the way
Even in good conflicts, misunderstandings will happen. Something is said the wrong way. Something is heard the wrong way.
What matters is not that it happens, but what we do next. Gottman calls it repair attempts. Small ways of adjusting and restoring connection.
This could be saying, “That came out wrong. Can I try again?” or “I can hear that what I said hurt you” or “I really want to understand you.”
These small sentences are often what prevent a conflict from escalating.
Conflicts in ethical non-monogamous relationships
If you have been following this series, you already know this. Ethical non-monogamous relationships are not different, but they are often more sensitive to what is not addressed.
There are more moving parts. More people. More needs involved.
That is why it becomes even more important to start conversations gently, stay in dialogue, understand each other’s perspectives, and repair along the way.
Otherwise, things can escalate quickly.
But this does not mean it is harder. It simply means that conflicts cannot be left unattended.
Getting good at conflict is a skill
One of the most important things to understand is this. None of us are born good at handling conflict. It is something we learn.
And often we have learned patterns that do not help us. Withdrawing, attacking, shutting down, or trying to win.
The good news is that this can be relearned.
Because research also shows that it is not the absence of conflict that creates strong relationships. It is the ability to handle it.
When you begin to work with conflict in this way, something important shifts. Conflict stops being something you fear and becomes something you can use.
To understand each other better. To discover new sides of each other. To adjust and grow together.
This does not mean conflict becomes pleasant. But it does become meaningful.
And perhaps that is what truly defines a strong relationship. Not that you avoid conflict, but that you dare to enter it in a way where you take care of each other at the same time.