Ethical Non-Monogamous relationships are not special
They are just a jet plane instead of a car. On conflict in all relationships, why it emerges, and why ethical non-monogamy requires a heightened awareness of how conflict is understood and resolved.
This is the first article in a three-part series exploring conflict in all relationships.
Most conflicts in relationships never disappear. According to Gottman’s research, nearly 70 percent of them return again and again. The question is therefore not how to avoid them, but how to understand what lies behind them.
Ethical non-monogamous relationships are often talked about as if they are fundamentally different from monogamous ones. More complicated. More dramatic. More fragile. Or more free.
But in reality, ethical non-monogamous relationships contain the same dynamics as any other relationship. The same needs. The same vulnerabilities. The same conflicts.
The difference is not what arises. The difference is how quickly you need to take care of it.
When I first began moving into this space, I heard an analogy that has stayed with me ever since.
A monogamous relationship can be compared to a car. An ethical non-monogamous relationship is like a jet plane. Both are forms of transportation. Neither is better, wiser, or more correct than the other. But if a small scratch appears on a car, it can often keep driving. It may need repair at some point. It may even wait for years. If damage occurs in a jet plane, the situation is different. The pressure is high. The load is intense. You need to respond immediately.
This is also true for ethical non-monogamous relationships. The conflicts and differences that exist in all relationships are amplified, and they cannot be ignored. You have to work with them.
I have created a small article series based on the scientific couples therapy method developed by John Gottman and Julie Gottman. It focuses on the core dynamics I encounter again and again in the couples I work with, regardless of whether they are monogamous or ethically non-monogamous.
Here is the first key insight, along with a concrete method for working with it.
The conflicts that do not disappear
Within couples therapy research, Gottman has shown something that often surprises people.
Around 69 percent of the conflicts we experience in relationships are ongoing or recurring. They do not disappear. They continue to show up. Not because we are bad at communicating, but because they are about something deeper. They are about different values, different temperaments, different needs for freedom or safety, and different assumptions about how the world works.
In both monogamous and ethical non-monogamous relationships, it is essential to work with this. At its core, it is about understanding each other, as well as each other’s background and motivations.
In ethical non-monogamous relationships, these differences often become visible more quickly. When you open a relationship, you also open up differences in jealousy thresholds, differences in the need for structure, boundaries and agreements, differences in sexual values, and differences in pace.
But how do you actually approach these differences?
This is rarely about finding the perfect compromise. More often, it is about understanding what lies beneath the disagreement.
And this is where one of Gottman’s methods becomes useful.
When conflict is about a dream
Gottman points out that ongoing conflicts often become stuck because there is a dream behind each position.
A dream can be a longing for freedom, a need for safety, a value around loyalty, a story from childhood, a fear of loss, a desire to explore oneself, a wish for calm, a longing for adventure, or a dream of love.
You can also think of it as your why. The deeper reason something matters so much.
When we only argue about the surface, we become opponents. When we begin to explore the dreams behind it, or each other’s why, we can become allies.
After a conflict, when things have calmed down, you can try the following exercise. Sit down together when you have time, and agree to take turns speaking.
One person speaks, not to convince, but to explain. Share what the conflict means to you, where your feelings come from, and what story or experience lies behind them. Try also to put words to what you are afraid of losing, and what you are truly hoping for.
The other person listens, not as a judge, but as a curious partner. The goal is not to solve the problem or argue against it, but to understand. Ask only questions that help you understand the other person’s experience, not questions that support your own position.
The goal is not to find a solution immediately. The goal is to move from stuckness into dialogue, from you versus me to us trying to understand each other.
When one person has finished, you switch roles.
Ethical Non-Monogamous relationships require the same work, just faster
In an ethical non-monogamous relationship, it quickly becomes clear if we do not understand each other’s underlying dreams.
If one person dreams of exploration and freedom, and the other dreams of safety and a sense of exclusivity, then the conflict is not really about rules or boundaries. It is about worldview.
That is why it is important early in an ethical non-monogamous relationship to talk about the values behind the choice. Why do we want this? What do we hope it will bring us? And what does it mean for the way we want to be together?
Everyone has a why, and that why matters.
When we understand each other’s motivations, it becomes easier to create agreements that actually support the kind of relationship we want. A clear why helps your partner or partners understand what is important to you, and how they can support it.
A strong why also serves another purpose. It clarifies your own motivation. When relationships become challenged, and they will at some point, it helps to know why you chose this path in the first place.
In this way, the conversation about the dreams behind conflicts also becomes a conversation about direction. About what you are actually trying to create together.
It is not about relationship structure, but about relational maturity
All relationships will at some point encounter ongoing conflicts, differences in values, dreams that do not fully align, fear, vulnerability, and old stories. The question is not whether it happens. The question is whether we are willing to be curious about it.
Because the most damaging dynamic in a relationship is not disagreement. It is being right while crushing the other person’s dream.
A strong relationship is not one where we win. It is one where we help each other understand what is truly at stake.
And perhaps this is the most important point.
Ethical non-monogamous relationships are not harder. They are simply less forgiving of unconscious patterns. They require us to take care of the small cracks before they become structural. Not because they are more fragile, but because they fly higher.