Taking the first steps toward opening your relationship
This article focuses on couples who are considering opening their relationship.
There are many ways to practice ethical non-monogamy – single people who see it as a life philosophy, constellations of several people building connections together, and everything in between. But the couple standing on the threshold of opening up is the one I most often meet in therapy.
Many couples find it difficult to take the first steps into the open world.
What are those steps, really?
What questions should we ask ourselves?
What do I need – and how much am I comfortable with?
Can I say stop if something becomes too much?
I often meet couples who have the intention to have the important conversations before opening their relationship – but they often find it difficult to know what conversations are the important ones. Many take their first steps without having explored what opening up actually means to them. That can lead to difficult beginnings, where the deeper conversations only happen after pain or confusion has already arisen – which can make the process more complex.
That’s why having those early conversations is so essential.
Here are three key conversations that can be especially helpful to have before you open your relationship:
1. What kind of relationship do we want?
There are many different ways to build relationships outside of monogamy.
It can be helpful to spend some time exploring what types exist, and what feels right for you.
Remember: your relationship doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. You can shape it in the way that makes sense for both of you. Don’t just choose a “model” – create your own way of being together. Sometimes finding the model that fits you takes time, and some try outs. So be curious and try out different ways - but remember to go slow.
You can read more about different relationship types here.
2. Why are we doing this?
Why do I – or we – want to open our relationship?
When you know your why, it becomes easier to navigate when things feel uncertain. Returning to your intention can bring clarity and calm when challenges arise.
Examples of whys we’ve heard in conversations include:
“Because it gives me a sense of freedom.”
“Because I love connecting with new people.”
“Because I want to challenge myself.”
Your reason is yours. There’s no right or wrong why – only what’s right for you.
You might even discover that you each have a personal why, and perhaps a shared one as well.
3. Needs and boundaries
Talk openly about what each of you needs – and where your boundaries are.
This is a crucial conversation to have early on, but it’s just as important to revisit over time. Both needs and boundaries can change.
If you find it difficult to navigate, it can help to distinguish between needs that can be negotiated and needs that can’t.
That makes it easier to see where you’re open to compromise – and where you’re not.
It can also make finding common ground much simpler.
We have some concrete excercises for you to work with your needs and boundaries:
‘Strategies for fulfillment of needs’ here.
‘Setting your own boundaries’ here.
‘Understanding your needs’ here.
Take it slow
When you step into new territory, it’s wise to move slowly.
Experiment gently. Try things out. And don’t be afraid to step back again if something doesn’t feel right.
It’s not about getting everything perfect – it’s about learning as you go.
You can’t talk everything through
Even with the best intentions, it’s impossible to discuss everything in advance.
There will always be gray areas. You’ll move into unknown ground, and there will be moments of discomfort, mistakes, and strong emotions.
That’s part of the process.
Opening your relationship takes courage to stand in the uncomfortable – but it’s also where growth, intimacy, and deeper connection can emerge.
See more about ‘opening up safely’ here.