The 100 BPM rule
When a conflict is too intense to resolve. Discover how the 100 BPM rule can transform your conflicts from battles to breakthroughs.
In the first article in this series, I wrote about the conflicts that do not disappear. We explored how most conflicts in relationships are ongoing, because they are rooted in values, temperaments, and fundamental differences in how we see the world.
I also described a method from the Gottman Institute for understanding the dreams, or the deeper why, behind conflicts. But there is another question that is just as important.
When are we actually able to have that conversation?
Because even the best method does not work if our nervous system is in a state of alarm. This is where the 100 BPM rule in conflict becomes relevant.
When the body goes into fight mode
In Gottman’s research, a clear pattern appears in conflicts between partners. When our heart rate rises above around 100 beats per minute, something shifts in the body. We enter what is called emotional flooding.
This means that the nervous system moves into a fight or flight state. The body releases stress hormones, and the brain becomes more focused on protecting itself than on understanding the other person.
When this happens, it becomes very difficult to truly listen. Instead, we often begin to defend ourselves, argue, repeat our point again and again, or shut down completely.
Most people recognize this pattern. The conversation goes in circles. The same points are repeated. The tone becomes harsher. Misunderstandings grow. The longer the conversation continues in this state, the greater the risk of saying something we later regret.
Signs that your heart rate is above 100
Most people do not sit with a heart rate monitor during a conflict. That is why it is helpful to learn to recognize the signals from the body.
Typical signs that the nervous system is moving into an alarm state can include sweaty palms, a racing heart or a strong pulse in the chest, faster breathing, tension in the jaw or shoulders, a feeling of heat in the body or flushing in the face, thoughts speeding up, difficulty listening or concentrating, and a strong impulse to either attack or withdraw.
When these signals begin to appear, it is often a sign that your heart rate is approaching or has already passed 100 BPM. This is rarely a good moment to try to solve the problem.
Why taking a break is not a failure
One of the key insights from Gottman’s work is that we should not try to resolve conflicts when the nervous system is overloaded. If the heart rate is above 100 BPM, it is simply too difficult for the brain to collaborate.
Instead, a break of 15 to 20 minutes is recommended, where both people do something calming or distracting. This could be going for a walk, breathing slowly, listening to music, or doing something practical.
The point is not to avoid the conflict. The point is to give the body time to settle so the conversation can continue in a way where both people are actually able to listen.
This requires an important agreement in the relationship. A break is not an escape. It is a way of taking care of the conversation.
When the conversation resumes
When you come back to the conversation, it can make a big difference if your basic needs are somewhat met. This does not mean waiting for perfect conditions, but if possible, it helps not to be hungry, exhausted, or overwhelmed after a long day.
Food, sleep, and small breaks throughout the day influence our ability to regulate emotions more than many people realize. When the body is relatively balanced and resourced, it becomes much easier to stay curious, listen, and think clearly. It simply creates a better foundation for a constructive conversation.
The conversation after the break
When returning to the conversation, Gottman works with a structure where partners take turns speaking.
One person speaks at a time while the other listens.
The person speaking aims to start gently. Instead of criticism or blame, they begin with their own experience and feelings. This can be done by using I statements and expressing a need or a request.
The person listening has a different role, which is to understand.
Many people find it helpful to take notes while listening, as it keeps the focus on what is being said rather than preparing a response.
During the conversation, both partners can use what Gottman calls repair attempts. These are small signals that show an effort to maintain connection. It could be saying “I hear what you are saying,” offering a gentle smile, apologizing, or making a small physical gesture like a nod or a hand on the arm. Small actions that communicate a willingness to understand.
Why the 100 BPM rule is especially important in ethical non-monogamous relationships
As I wrote in the first article, the dynamics in ethical non-monogamous relationships are not fundamentally different from those in monogamous ones. However, the intensity can often be higher.
When people move into ethical non-monogamy, it often activates very fundamental themes such as jealousy, safety, freedom, attachment, and identity. This means that conflicts can sometimes reach the nervous system more quickly.
For that reason, the ability to notice when a conversation is tipping into emotional flooding becomes even more important. Being able to say, “I can feel that I am becoming overwhelmed. I need a break so we can continue later.” Not as a way to avoid the conversation, but as a way to protect it.
Conflict is not only about content
When couples feel stuck in the same arguments again and again, it is often not only about the disagreement itself. It is also about how the conversation is happening.
If both people are in a state of alarm, even small differences become very difficult to navigate.
But when the nervous system settles, it becomes much easier to stay curious, to listen, and to recognize that there may be a deeper dream or a why behind the other person’s reaction, as described in the first article in this series.
At that point, conflict becomes something you can work with again, instead of something that pulls you further apart.
Next article in the series
In the next article, we will explore another method from Gottman research that helps couples strengthen their relationship between conflicts.